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[Apr. 7th, 2005|07:28 pm]
[feelers: |listlesslistless]
[musica: |m. doughty]

bored at work...nothing to do other than wait for the next timepoint to harass my subject and hope he entertains me for those brief 10 minutes. sigh.

been feeling strangely recently...came to quite a few major decisions but have been vacillating between the whats, ifs, buts, and whys.... i am officially going to move into my own place when the lease is up in 3 months, mainly due to the fact that i cannot seem to get along with people i end up living with. yes, it is me...i won't blame others for my own easily annoyed/hates bullshit self, it is just how it ends up. i will move into my own place in logan square (the intended place prior to my solo choice) and hopefully get a dog....god, it will be fabulous to live on my own again, though sad at the same time as it is always nice to have a person somewhere in the house when i get home from work. it has come down to the fact that i have not lived out any ideas that i had about moving to chicago. i have let time go by doing the same shit i was doing in phx and allowing myself to fall back into a role of eat, work, sleep...eat, work, sleep... i have too much to offer others and myself to just succumb to this shit again. i need to be in a situation where i am forced to go out and interact with others rather than rely on my roommates or allow their homebody selves to dictate my actions. i also made the decision to actively look into phD programs in psych within the city to see what it has to offer and hopefully apply this winter to test my luck (and the strength of my recommendations). there's an interesting psych/linguistics program here at uofc so i have begun to read some of the major research by the faculty to see how much it interests me and to ascertain whether that interest could be held for a whole 4-7 years...aye aye aye.

the problem is that i feel restless...as always. i am not content anywhere i go and i always want more. i feel disatisfied with pretty much everything, in general, and i am not sure how to combat those feelings. it doesn't help that i talk to others my age who just graduated college and are living at home, or moving to other countries, or traveling the world because they have nothing else to do...i never felt like i could get away with that and i sometimes wish i had lived a different kind of life that would allow for me to make those random decisions to live out fantasies of living in panama for a year or something. anything is possible, i just need to make more decisions and not fear the repercussions of not having a full-time job or being responsible. i am so tired of being responsible. i am too realistic for my own good sometimes, no, wait, i am too realistic to consider anything other than responsibility as being for my own good. hm, don't know if that makes sense. i feel like my moving around and not being able to make choices is a poor reflection of character or something, that i am unable to pick and choose the right thing, but fuck, what's right and who dictates that? me, i would guess....sigh, circles circles circles.

need to make changes, pronto....need to clear my head and realize what i want and why rather than just allow things to pass me by. i feel old and i'm only going to start feeling older... must do things before time runs out or before i really HAVE to get my shit together... i feel like it's already together and that scares the hell out of me....i feel like i am already setting up to go back to school, maybe make a little money one day, have babies and hubbies....oh jesus.

time to look into the peace corps or something....time to go to south america and eat things i can't pronounce....time to do something....

blargh....23 yr old crisis....we all feel it...and its miserable.

on a lighter note, i have a crush on a man who looks exactly like a pirate, down to the unibrow and all.

[User Picture]From: eoe
2005-04-08 05:37 am (UTC)
Inevitably, we will grow out of this, whether it is due to giving into our desires to run amok throughout the world, or sit down happily in some regular city, fall in love, and start a family. And the question I find myself asking is, what would I say to myself, to quell my fears. What things would I say that I would actually listen to and think, 'Hmm. Yes. Yes of course. That's all I have to do.'

It's a time thing. It's an every day thing, and I really have come to believe that there isn't any sort of solution. Leaving the country won't necessarily stave it. Buying a pony won't cure it. It just takes time to run through your head in search of what really does get you up in the morning.

At this point, I've no idea what it is, and I've been avoiding it for years now. It's something that happens to everyone, and I think we should all just take some sort of breath, and realise that although it feels impending and overwhelming, it's not going to eat us in a day.

But yes, I feel all of those things. All of them, and they've felt like they had eaten me up on a few occasions, but it comes and goes. And, for instance, today I felt exactly how I did about 2-3 years ago. Content with absolutely nothing, and having really no desire to try to -think- so god damn much. I've felt like all I've done these last 6 months is think and think and think.

In any event, to respond to your response to me, I agree. There will be much fun to be had this weekend, and I hope that us talking about this subject further will not seem so god damn serious, but will provide both of us with amusement, empathy, and something to chew on.

See you soon, eh.

- justin
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From: bleached17
2005-04-18 06:00 pm (UTC)
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