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(no subject) [Mar. 8th, 2007|10:26 am]
I got into graduate school. I will be starting my Masters in Public Health in the fall at University of Illinois at Chicago.

I will be in this lovely city for a definite 2 more years (i can't believe i've already been here for almost 3) and it's quite comforting to have a plan, one that I truly want to follow. It's been awhile since I have been so utterly certain of something (other than my wonderful boyfriend on a daily basis) and it just feels so absolutely right. I am going to focus on Women and Genders studies and assess the health disparities of minority women in the US, hopefully being able to conduct research and provide interesting data that has yet to be presented only because females are still considered less worthy research subjects compared to men.

Super excited.
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soul train is lame... [Nov. 12th, 2005|12:23 pm]
[feelers: |satisfiedsatisfied]
[musica: |wilco shuffle]

boyfriend out of town - longest we have spent apart in the past 7 months and it is only 5 days. strange what you end up doing when left to create your own entertainment...thus far, i've bought too much shit, and have started my first round of cardmaking for xmas. the next plan is to head to the store for ingredients of a pumpkin pie practice run since i'm in charge of dessert for the big thanksgiving festivities this year (at least i got out of the turkey), and then off to home depot to buy wood to make some picture frames...

noticed i never write in this thing, in fact, don't really write much of anything anywhere. seemingly, i don't write unless i'm unhappy or attempting to fish for feedback from ppl i can't readily talk to. so, to perhaps start a new trend (or at least one that creates my own entertainment whilst alone on a fabulous chicago november day holed up in my apt), i am going to spout off about the fabulous things in my life and the decisions i forced myself to make recently to ensure that those things stay fabulous.

suppose i'll start with the relationship since the opening will lend to that topic nicely. i am ridiculously happy and in love with zach. i re-read an entry in july about my uncertainty and just sortof chuckled and shook my head as it seems obvious to me i knew where things were heading, but was trying to give myself a 'get out of relationship free' card by putting it in writing that i didn't *want* a relationship. bleh, stupid human that i am. he really just makes me feel so supported in areas i've never had support and seemingly didn't realize i needed....and more than that, i feel like i support him in a similar way. for the first time, i don't feel as if i'm giving up or he is giving up...but that we are mutually together in this thing and enjoying the ride for as long as it may last. he is extremely intelligent, gentle, hilarious, and genuine...there is no pretense with him. sigh.

i was in love with fred for what it was...but coming out of that hurt and bitter, and then falling into zach - it was almost like i was fucked over before but the prize after the torture made it all worth it. that's just it - zach is my prize. fabulous thing #1.

fabulous thing #2. i decided not to go to grad school for a bit...found myself faltering when the big choices had to be made, i.e. money, where to go, what to focus on within clinical psych. knowing myself the way i do, my faltering is my escape from committment to the undesired....and all the reasons just didn't add up. i was making a choice because i felt that it was the next obvious step in the path i was creating for myself - working in a lab, getting research recommendations, getting older and needing to have an idea of a future...but 8 years, debt, and probably a whole lot of uncertainty and lack of options upon graduating just don't seem to fit quite yet. i don't know if i will ever go if i don't just make the plunge, but knowing that i have other things i want to do first kindof put things in perspective. my boss, andrea, the researcher extraordinaire didn't have a relationship/marriage until age 38...couldn't take time to have a baby until early 40's....i don't want to have to make those decisions when i am 24- knowing school may be a committment, but the career afterwards and the strain to get somewhere in the field would be the biggest battle and life-committment of all. woo.

fabluous thing #3. my father is finally starting to open up and reveal some filtered emotions - albeit through email. regardless, small steps are being taken forward with a few backward leaps in between that seem to be leading to the possibility of an adult relationship being formed between he and myself, and hopefully including my little sister one day. for the first time, i am taking off my own filters and telling him exactly how i feel and what the past 15 years since the divorce have resulted in....and he is not necessarily taking it well, but i think it took him 15 years to also prepare to discuss it which may lead to a better understanding later.

fabulous thing #4. i am in the works of planning a giant trip to mexico city in maybe march or april next year. for the first time, i feel like i have met someone that i actually want to do these things with, that i can commit to spending two weeks in a different place with and come out more excited than when i went in. it's always been my dream to go to south america and wander around for a few weeks, and the reality is even closer now than i can imagine. oh yeah.

fabulous thing(s) #5. now that i have made some decisions that have freed up my anxiety about the immediate future, i feel like i can finally focus on other things that actually interest me...i.e. crafty bullshit, finishing my apartment, that sort of thing.

fabulous thing #6. writing in this thing and having something to write.
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mmmm..awkward [Oct. 26th, 2005|11:06 am]
the university of chicago was the site of the first self-sustaining nuclear chain reaction that man was able to control. there is even an abstract sculpture at the site and a small plaque marking the 25th anniversary, but not explaining the true meaning of such an accomplishment.

i walk past the sculpture every morning on the way to work, not truly cognizant of any of my surroundings half the time as i jog/walk to avoid getting the late eye when i enter my office. this morning, there was a giant tour bus up ahead of me....as i walked closer, i realized that the tour bus was stopped at the sculpture. *shrug*, strange thing to tour i suppose....and then i looked over and saw swarms of Japanese tourists standing around the sculpture, pointing at it, taking pictures with each other in front of it, smiling....

kids, adults, grandparents, all milling around this sculpture that represented so much more than the 25 year anniversary plaque on the tiny concrete wall. it honestly sent a shiver up my spine to consider the seeming triviality of it all. my god.

title or description
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(no subject) [Jul. 18th, 2005|04:09 pm]
[feelers: |boredbored]

went to intonation music festival this past weekend....had a lovely time. bands of note: out hud for their dancing fever, go!team for including an array of small black hoochie dancing children during their last song, les savvy fav for the amazing amount of costume changes, and the wrens for actually embodying everything that music is all about...sigh.
texted fred telling him about the wrens and he called asking me to leave him msgs while they were playing. i attempted to do so, but was too close to the stage for any of them to turn out. we chatted briefly, and it was very liberating for some reason, though very saddening at the same time that i was in a place that i felt he should have been as well. they played 'she sends kisses' and i nearly cried....looked over at zach and i am fairly certain he knew why. i have not necessarily delved into my past relationships with zach, as he doesn't ask, nor do i think i am really ready to admit that the last one haunts me pretty frequently (Well, at least since seeing fred in az last month). i don't know.

i have been slacking on the GRE studying recently....giving into the fact that i'm in a relationship and that it is always more fun to do absolutely nothing with zach than to study by myself. i don't really know what is going on with my relationship currently, not sure where i want it go, but it is relatively stable and comfortable.....things i want for the future, but not necessarily right now. blargh. relationships are lame.

i need some excitement.....and....go.
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(no subject) [Apr. 27th, 2005|10:48 am]
[feelers: |disappointeddisappointed]

justin called me last week from phx telling me a jew a few degrees removed called him to see if he was going to be brett's best man. curious, he called me to see if i had heard any news of such a disastrous event and i admitted that brett had not responded to my emails since i left phx and that his # had changed. sent out another friendster msg to him, most likely in vain, as it never seemed to work before. got an email this morning from him stating that he had gotten his ex/current gf (i have no idea what she is anymore...other than evil) pregnant and they were going to have a quicky wedding this summer. he stated that she miscarried last week and now the marriage was not really a priority any longer. hm.

seemingly, this seems to be the way of the men i date and love....they knock girls up and rush to get married, and then are afraid to tell me about it. oh well. i just have to shake my head in disbelief about the lack of knowledge out there...yes, ladies and gentlemen...birth control IS effective. yes, ladies and gentlemen, it is even partially covered by most medical insurance companies. yes, ladies and gentlemen, the 'pull-out' method is synonymous with 'a little ejaculate goes a long way towards baby making' method. yes, ladies and gentlemen, babies are cute...but only when you have the means and the love to make their lives lovely...yep, theirs...not yours. sigh. this stuff makes me kinda sick.

perhaps these babies were made in love, and certainly they would be loved upon being born....but it just seems so false to accept such a 'mistake' as being shrug-worthy. blargh.

i am in an odd mood...headache, hoodie, and horny.

the pirate and i are doing quite well thus far....4 dates in 8 days...the sex stuff is gonna need some work, though (haven't even reached the actual sex part even)...

i am going to volunteer at lollapalooza in chicago this year...hopefully i can just get in free and run away and have no one see me for the rest of the day so i can see blonde redhead, dinosaur jr and the pixies. *dreams*

i've been reading jeffrey rowlands comic @ http://wigu.com/overcompensating/
it's fabulous, and i truly hope his mustache is as fu-manchu in real life as his comic self depicts.
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(no subject) [Apr. 22nd, 2005|01:29 pm]
1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.
5. Don't search around and look for the "coolest" book you can find. Do what's actually next to you.

"psychological theories such as these are difficult to prove or disprove." - stop me because i can't stop myself:taking control of impulse behavior.

wow...that's lame....as is working in psych research where that is the first book i saw...
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(no subject) [Apr. 18th, 2005|01:52 pm]
[feelers: |hornyhorny]

i'm horny. blargh.
i just put a mood icon up to reflect and had to laugh...lame.
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(no subject) [Apr. 7th, 2005|07:28 pm]
[feelers: |listlesslistless]
[musica: |m. doughty]

bored at work...nothing to do other than wait for the next timepoint to harass my subject and hope he entertains me for those brief 10 minutes. sigh.

been feeling strangely recently...came to quite a few major decisions but have been vacillating between the whats, ifs, buts, and whys.... i am officially going to move into my own place when the lease is up in 3 months, mainly due to the fact that i cannot seem to get along with people i end up living with. yes, it is me...i won't blame others for my own easily annoyed/hates bullshit self, it is just how it ends up. i will move into my own place in logan square (the intended place prior to my solo choice) and hopefully get a dog....god, it will be fabulous to live on my own again, though sad at the same time as it is always nice to have a person somewhere in the house when i get home from work. it has come down to the fact that i have not lived out any ideas that i had about moving to chicago. i have let time go by doing the same shit i was doing in phx and allowing myself to fall back into a role of eat, work, sleep...eat, work, sleep... i have too much to offer others and myself to just succumb to this shit again. i need to be in a situation where i am forced to go out and interact with others rather than rely on my roommates or allow their homebody selves to dictate my actions. i also made the decision to actively look into phD programs in psych within the city to see what it has to offer and hopefully apply this winter to test my luck (and the strength of my recommendations). there's an interesting psych/linguistics program here at uofc so i have begun to read some of the major research by the faculty to see how much it interests me and to ascertain whether that interest could be held for a whole 4-7 years...aye aye aye.

the problem is that i feel restless...as always. i am not content anywhere i go and i always want more. i feel disatisfied with pretty much everything, in general, and i am not sure how to combat those feelings. it doesn't help that i talk to others my age who just graduated college and are living at home, or moving to other countries, or traveling the world because they have nothing else to do...i never felt like i could get away with that and i sometimes wish i had lived a different kind of life that would allow for me to make those random decisions to live out fantasies of living in panama for a year or something. anything is possible, i just need to make more decisions and not fear the repercussions of not having a full-time job or being responsible. i am so tired of being responsible. i am too realistic for my own good sometimes, no, wait, i am too realistic to consider anything other than responsibility as being for my own good. hm, don't know if that makes sense. i feel like my moving around and not being able to make choices is a poor reflection of character or something, that i am unable to pick and choose the right thing, but fuck, what's right and who dictates that? me, i would guess....sigh, circles circles circles.

need to make changes, pronto....need to clear my head and realize what i want and why rather than just allow things to pass me by. i feel old and i'm only going to start feeling older... must do things before time runs out or before i really HAVE to get my shit together... i feel like it's already together and that scares the hell out of me....i feel like i am already setting up to go back to school, maybe make a little money one day, have babies and hubbies....oh jesus.

time to look into the peace corps or something....time to go to south america and eat things i can't pronounce....time to do something....

blargh....23 yr old crisis....we all feel it...and its miserable.

on a lighter note, i have a crush on a man who looks exactly like a pirate, down to the unibrow and all.
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update as requested by mr. henderson [Dec. 16th, 2004|10:10 am]
my last journal update was on 3/20/04....it is now 12/16/04....15 days from 2005. damn. that literally just left me with this sunken feeling in my stomach; verbalizing the actual passing of time means reality has truly caught up with me and that time is not just something we look at on our watches (or cell phones cause i loathe watches)or talk about when we are running late.....yes...time is moving on with me in its clutches and i seem to have forgotten how much of it has actually passed.

so let's see. march 2004 i was sitting in my cubicle at ValueOptions, working on the phones and visiting mentally ill patients in hospitals and jail cells. the love of my early adult life had just broken up with me and through my own naivete, i accepted the fact and just chalked it up to growing up and apart. little did i know that he would call me less than a month later and inform me of his shotgun vegas wedding to a girl he had just begun to date (which of course prompted the pregnancy questions to which he vehemently denied all). so there i was, stuck in this shithole apartment in tempe, working a miserable full-time job, lost my boyfriend (though he moved into an apt down the road), had no friends left due to said breakup...oh man, that sounds so bleak. it really wasn't so bleak, i know it. it was probably the first good kick in the ass i have had in years and it truly motivated me to do things i would not normally do. i was actually making new friends, going out all the time alone....it was a fairly healthy period.

april 2004: ran into my old best friend Kyle at casey moores...i had been trying to find him in chicago, asking anyone and everyone for his number because i had been considering a move prior to my breakup. of course, i really just wanted to talk to him about the city and see how he felt and then rationally plan a possible course of action to end up there someday. yes, someday. anyway....the strange part was the absolute coincidence of it all. i hate casey moore's, i hate the ppl that go there, it's expensive...it's just not my place. by chance, an old friend was in town and wanted to meet up there so i accepted the invite telling myself i would only be there an hour. so on the one night i go to this bar i had not been to in months, kyle appears, happening to be there on his last night on his 2 day stint in phx. oh yes, the stars were aligning. we got trashed and talked about it all and he suggested i move in with him in 2 months when he and his roommate got a new apt. i could not help but say yes, and from that second, i was attached to this fantastical notion of chicago....a city i had never been to, a city of wind and snow and peacoats, a city of skyscrapers and the el....oh yes, i was sucked in. and it helped that kyle is the one man in my life who i will always adore and want to be involved with. so i informed everyone that i would be moving in june to chicago, which produced a mighty roar of disbelief and chuckles that seemed to say "yeah, right....2 months".

i packed up just my clothes, gave away nearly everything i owned, and hopped on a plane to chicago in june. i spent the first 3 months broke and jobless, looking frantically for a job in the mental health field and for some reason, coming up short every time. i eventually got a lame job slinging coffee and bagels at nordstroms....oh yes, how lame my dreams were of returning to such a lifestyle...having ppl bitch about their coffee, saying they want skinny no foam + splenda..blah blah...and being broke..oh god, how i forgot. then my dream job finally panned out after 3 interviews and 3 months and i got a job as a researcher at the university of chicago doing an alcohol study.

chicago is fucking fantastic and i feel more alive than i have in a long time. it's amazing how stifling/fulfilling, satisfying/numbing a long relationship can be....

more later i suppose...does this satisfy mr. henderson? you want more?? i can wax philosophical for you too...
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(no subject) [Mar. 20th, 2004|03:24 pm]
my boyfriend of 2 yrs just broke up with me....and why am i ok? he broke up with me so he could be alone for awhile to destroy himself slowly in any way he sees fit....and to live and breathe for the music that he hopes will make him famous someday. sigh, its so cliche. good girl dates musician who seeks to destroy himself. good girl thinks he can be saved and only in the end realizes that perhaps it may not be worth the effort of attempting to save. i work 8 hrs a day with the mentally ill, trying to help in any way possible...and then i come home and keep up the good fight, trying to help, but only ending up feeling as if nothing will ever be changed....because it wont. sigh.

he still lives with me. we have hung out a few times since then, and it still feels relatively normal, it is just that i am consciously not touching him or calling him baby.
i still love him, and he loves me...and i am not even close to hating him for breaking up with me....i am being way too rational, which hopefully means my emotional side wont come rearing its ugly head and leave me broken.

the worst part of breaking up is again focusing on yourself and your own needs that somehow fell to the wayside....what did i do before him? oh yeah, i had my own friends....what were my goals before him? oh yeah, i wanted to apply to grad school and get the fuck out of phx...now i have to find ways to ensure that the things i have always wanted are actually real goals that i will try to accomplish, not just goals that can be "figured out later when my boyfriend decides what he wants". well, now he knows so i guess i gotta go forward with the original plans. weird shit.
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