|soul train is lame...
||[Nov. 12th, 2005|12:23 pm]
boyfriend out of town - longest we have spent apart in the past 7 months and it is only 5 days. strange what you end up doing when left to create your own entertainment...thus far, i've bought too much shit, and have started my first round of cardmaking for xmas. the next plan is to head to the store for ingredients of a pumpkin pie practice run since i'm in charge of dessert for the big thanksgiving festivities this year (at least i got out of the turkey), and then off to home depot to buy wood to make some picture frames...
noticed i never write in this thing, in fact, don't really write much of anything anywhere. seemingly, i don't write unless i'm unhappy or attempting to fish for feedback from ppl i can't readily talk to. so, to perhaps start a new trend (or at least one that creates my own entertainment whilst alone on a fabulous chicago november day holed up in my apt), i am going to spout off about the fabulous things in my life and the decisions i forced myself to make recently to ensure that those things stay fabulous.
suppose i'll start with the relationship since the opening will lend to that topic nicely. i am ridiculously happy and in love with zach. i re-read an entry in july about my uncertainty and just sortof chuckled and shook my head as it seems obvious to me i knew where things were heading, but was trying to give myself a 'get out of relationship free' card by putting it in writing that i didn't *want* a relationship. bleh, stupid human that i am. he really just makes me feel so supported in areas i've never had support and seemingly didn't realize i needed....and more than that, i feel like i support him in a similar way. for the first time, i don't feel as if i'm giving up or he is giving up...but that we are mutually together in this thing and enjoying the ride for as long as it may last. he is extremely intelligent, gentle, hilarious, and genuine...there is no pretense with him. sigh.
i was in love with fred for what it was...but coming out of that hurt and bitter, and then falling into zach - it was almost like i was fucked over before but the prize after the torture made it all worth it. that's just it - zach is my prize. fabulous thing #1.
fabulous thing #2. i decided not to go to grad school for a bit...found myself faltering when the big choices had to be made, i.e. money, where to go, what to focus on within clinical psych. knowing myself the way i do, my faltering is my escape from committment to the undesired....and all the reasons just didn't add up. i was making a choice because i felt that it was the next obvious step in the path i was creating for myself - working in a lab, getting research recommendations, getting older and needing to have an idea of a future...but 8 years, debt, and probably a whole lot of uncertainty and lack of options upon graduating just don't seem to fit quite yet. i don't know if i will ever go if i don't just make the plunge, but knowing that i have other things i want to do first kindof put things in perspective. my boss, andrea, the researcher extraordinaire didn't have a relationship/marriage until age 38...couldn't take time to have a baby until early 40's....i don't want to have to make those decisions when i am 24- knowing school may be a committment, but the career afterwards and the strain to get somewhere in the field would be the biggest battle and life-committment of all. woo.
fabluous thing #3. my father is finally starting to open up and reveal some filtered emotions - albeit through email. regardless, small steps are being taken forward with a few backward leaps in between that seem to be leading to the possibility of an adult relationship being formed between he and myself, and hopefully including my little sister one day. for the first time, i am taking off my own filters and telling him exactly how i feel and what the past 15 years since the divorce have resulted in....and he is not necessarily taking it well, but i think it took him 15 years to also prepare to discuss it which may lead to a better understanding later.
fabulous thing #4. i am in the works of planning a giant trip to mexico city in maybe march or april next year. for the first time, i feel like i have met someone that i actually want to do these things with, that i can commit to spending two weeks in a different place with and come out more excited than when i went in. it's always been my dream to go to south america and wander around for a few weeks, and the reality is even closer now than i can imagine. oh yeah.
fabulous thing(s) #5. now that i have made some decisions that have freed up my anxiety about the immediate future, i feel like i can finally focus on other things that actually interest me...i.e. crafty bullshit, finishing my apartment, that sort of thing.
fabulous thing #6. writing in this thing and having something to write.